


Becoming Whole

by Caera1996



Category: Star Trek RPF
Genre: M/M, Past Abuse, Past Child Abuse, Past Sexual Abuse
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-02-08
Updated: 2015-02-24
Packaged: 2018-03-11 01:17:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,641
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3310418
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Caera1996/pseuds/Caera1996
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Answers the following prompt on pintokinkmeme:</p><p>Chris has issues with the idea of being with someone physically, and has been in therapy for a while (why is up to writer). His therapist doesn't think he can get any further with just talk, but Chris knows he just can't do a relationship. So, his therapist suggests a sex surrogate. Chris is willing to give it a shot, but he's terrified.</p><p>Zach's role in this is up to you...therapist, surrogate, supportive friend, etc.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Please note: I "CHOSE NOT TO USE ARCHIVE WARNINGS", and please look at the tags.

“So, today’s the day,” Dr. Greenwood said. He looked at Chris over his glasses. “How are you feeling?” He didn’t really need to ask. He could see how the young man in front of him was doing…he was excessively nervous -- sweating, knee bouncing, hands restlessly gripping and releasing, posture tense and eyes averted.  
  
“I don’t think this is a good idea,” Chris replied, glancing up at the doctor before looking away again. “I’m not ready.”  
  
“Chris, take a deep breath, hold it for a count of five, then let it out slowly. Come on now…inhale…” Greenwood waited while Chris did the calming exercise a couple of times, and he talked him through relaxing his tense body. “This is just a meeting,” Greenwood said calmly. “You two will introduce yourselves, talk a little about yourselves, and that’s it for now. And I’ll be here…just over there…” he indicated a desk at the back of the room.  
  
Staring at his hands, Chris nodded. “It’s just…” He bit his lip and trailed off.  
  
“It’s what, Chris?” Greenwood asked.  
  
“Embarrassing,” he said, feeling the heat of a blush wash over him.  
  
“There is absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about. You’ve come a long way, and you should be proud of yourself.” He paused, observing the young man in front of him.   
  
Chris had lived through some truly traumatic experiences as a boy and young man, and he was in the process of reclaiming himself and becoming the adult he wanted to be. He’d come so, so far.   
  
But this area, personal relationships of any kind, remained out of his reach. He didn’t have anyone to help him practice, and he did not feel he was able to make a connection with someone – bring himself to open up and trust someone enough – to help him work on this part of life. He lived his life alone, but wanted something different. This was a first step to that.  
  
“Each of us, myself and Zachary, are here solely because you are brave enough to act on making life better for yourself. There’s nothing embarrassing in that, Chris.” He glanced at the tablet resting on his lap, a message from his admin popping up on the screen. “Zachary is here. I’m going to invite him in, okay?”  
  
It took a second, but Chris took heart in the psychologist’s words. He nodded. “Okay.”


	2. Chapter 2

Greenwood tapped out a quick "show him in" on his tablet, and Chris crossed his arms over himself tightly.  
  
"Just meeting, right? Nothing else," Chris said, wanting to be reassured again.  
  
"We'll never do anything you don't want to do, Chris," another voice said.   
  
Overcome with nerves, and feeling crushingly shy, Chris stared at his knees. His mouth went dry, and he just could not make himself look up, never mind introduce himself.   
  
Zachary raised his eyebrows at the doctor as he stood and moved to his desk in order to stay unobtrusive. He knew that this was going to be hard for Chris, but that was why he'd chosen Zachary. He was good at being a soothing presence. Greenwood watched from his desk as Zach took a seat on the other end of the couch, giving Chris plenty of space.  
  
"So, Chris, I'm Zachary. You can call me Zach. Dr. Greenwood has talked to you about what my role is here, but I just want to tell you again - we will never do anything you don't want to do. Our sessions together might evolve into something more than just talking, or they might not. That's up to you."  
  
Chris nodded tightly, and felt the heat in his face recede. That...actually helped. He realized that a lot of the anxiety he was feeling came from what he thought Zachary would want of him. But everything was his choice. He could hold on to that.  
  
Zachary observed the patient, cataloging what he was seeing with a clinical eye. Bruce was an excellent therapist, and had filled him in thoroughly about this patient before this first meeting, and he knew that he would need to push a little to make any headway at all.  
  
"Chris, can you look at me?" he asked, keeping his voice pitched low and calm.   
  
Chris bit his lip, but did manage to look up, and Zach was caught off guard by the brilliant blue eyes. He smiled slightly.  
  
"Hi," he said. "It's important to me that you know that everything you feel - fear, or nervousness, or shyness, or anger - everything is valid. You have a right to feel all of it, and everything in between. All I want to do is help you learn how to handle those feelings so they don't get in your way. That's why I'm here, and that's what we're going to do. Okay?"  
  
Looking away again, Chris nodded. "Okay. I - um - I have to go now."   
  
He felt the doctor's and Zach's eyes on him as he stood and hurried out of the room, but he didn't care. He exited the office without even a good-bye to the woman manning the front desk, and hurried out of office suite, down the hall to the stairs, through the lobby of the building, and then - finally - out to the street. Feeling, strangely, both crowded and like everything else was too big, he headed for the safety and seclusion of his apartment, almost desperate to be there.  
  
Everything Zachary and Dr. Greenwood had said sounded good, but when it came right down to it, he didn't think anything would ever be any different for him.   
  
Maybe he should just forget it. 


	3. Chapter 3

Zachary and Dr. Greenwood waited for a while then agreed that Chris wasn’t just late. He hadn’t called to cancel this session, but for the first time in a long time, he didn’t show.  
  
“I’m going to call him,” Greenwood said, picking up his phone.  
  
“I should be the one to call him,” Zach said. “He’s not here because I am.”  
  
Greenwood nodded and handed his phone to Zach.  
  
“His number’s already there.”  
  
Zach pressed ‘send’ and listened to the phone ring, wondering if he would even pick up. After what seemed like enough rings for it to go to voicemail, Chris surprised him and answered.  
  
“Hello?”  
  
“Hi Chris. This is Zach from Dr. Greenwood’s office. We were wondering if you were coming today?”  
  
In his apartment, surrounded by his books and computer, shades drawn and t.v. playing a movie in the background, he felt safe and at ease in a way that was just not possible when he was out in the world. Though Dr. Greenwood had given him the tools to realize when he needed to push himself and get out, and helped him develop the ability to even do it, actually making himself was something else entirely. Especially when he didn’t really want to.  
  
“Chris?” Zach said again. “You there?”  
  
“Uh…yeah. Um, look, I have a lot of work to do with close deadlines. Today’s not a good day.”  
  
Zach met Dr. Greenwood’s eyes and shook his head slightly. Greenwood sighed. He’d been expecting something like this. Through every stage of his therapy, whenever Chris was challenged with something new, he would pull away. When he’d first started working with Chris, he was dangerously close to being a full-blown agoraphobic with severe anxiety issues. He was in a much better place now, but backsliding was always a concern.  
Greenwood held up a notepad so Zach could read it.   
  
 _Not acceptable_.   
  
Zach nodded in understanding. Bruce had warned him about this too.  
  
“Chris, we both know the reason you don’t want to come in today is me.” He paused, and Chris’ silence on the other end was confirmation enough. “I know it’s hard,” he continued. “And you know it’s hard because that’s part of what you’ve gotten so much better at dealing with. Don’t give up on moving forward…come in today. We can reschedule for this afternoon.”  
  
In his apartment, Chris closed his eyes as he gripped the phone. It sounded so easy when anyone said it. But to actually do it…to leave his apartment for something that made him feel so small, so exposed…it was more than just hard. Sometimes it felt impossible.  
  
But so had everything else he’d managed to do.   
  
“What do you say, Chris? This afternoon?” Zach asked into the silence.  
  
He closed his eyes and rubbed his forehead. “I guess I can be there at two.”  
  
“Two it is. See you then.”  
  
“Yeah, see you.”  
  
Chris hung up and sat back down on the couch. His open laptop and a manuscript were both on the coffee table in front of him, along with one of his many red pens. Chris worked as a proofreader for a textbook company. It was solitary work that he could do from home, and it made use of his hard earned degree in writing. It wasn’t what he wanted to do with his life, but it was a good living, and it allowed him to stay home.  
  
What he really wanted to do, however, was write a novel. Some day.  
  
In the meantime, there were bills to pay and the business of life to get on with. Until two, anyway.


	4. Chapter 4

Dr. Greenwood opened the door for Chris, and led him into his office.

“Thanks,” Chris murmured.

“Glad you could come, Chris,” Greenwood said. “Zachary is already here, so I’m just going to   
take my place at the desk.”

Chris swallowed and nodded. He was here. He was going to go through with it. Dr. Greenwood paused before opening the door. “How are you feeling about this today?”

Chris blushed and shrugged. “Fine, I guess. Nervous.”

“That’s perfectly normal. You’re doing very good, Chris. When it feels hard, just trust the process.”

“Right,” he said. “Thanks.” Dr. Greenwood had encouraged him to “trust the process” from the very beginning. And though it was hard, in the end, he was right.

Chris followed Greenwood in to the office, and as he’d said, Zachary was already there, sitting on one end of the couch. Greenwood went to his desk at the back of the room, like last time, and Chris was left standing just inside, fidgeting nervously.

“Hi Chris,” Zachary said with a smile.

“Hi,” he replied. He didn’t make any other move to come further into the room, so Zach gestured to the couch.

“Join me?”

Silently, Chris came further into the room and sat stiffly on the couch, and as before there was plenty of space between them. Zach observed his body language for a moment, then decided to push him a little. He was here. He didn’t have to be.

Chris glanced over at him as he moved further down the couch so that he was sitting closer to Chris.

“So, we didn’t really get a chance to talk last time. I’d really like to get to know you better.”

“Isn’t everything in my file?” Chris asked.

Zach shook his head. “That’s not what I want to know. This isn’t traditional therapy, Chris. That’s what Dr. Greenwood is for. I want you to tell me about you.”

Chris flushed under his gaze, unused to being the focus of such intense attention in a decidedly non-clinical way. 

“Are you feeling embarrassed right now?” Zach asked. And Chris squeezed his eyes closed as the heat in his face seemed to double.

“N-no,” he managed to get out. “Nervous.”

“Shy?”

“Yeah.”

“Can you tell me why? What about us being here makes you feel like that?”

The first thing that popped into Chris’ head was, “I don’t know.” But he didn’t say that. He wanted to this to help him. He had to work with them…trust the process.

“I guess…it’s because I’m worried about…what’s coming.” He licked his lips, and plunged ahead, glancing at Zach before focusing somewhere on the floor. “Because it’s not that I don’t want a relationship eventually, but I have no idea how to go about doing it. I just…I can’t imagine ever letting someone close. Not after…well… everything.”

Zach nodded. “It takes a lot to allow yourself to open up; to be vulnerable emotionally and physically. Chris, I have so much admiration for how far you’ve come already. I know it seems impossible, but you will have everything you want. I know it.” As he spoke, he reached out and gently grasped Chris’ arm. He watched Chris as he stared at that point of connection, waiting to see if he could accept this touch, or if he would pull away.

After a couple of seconds, Chris looked up and met Zach’s eyes, and saw nothing but sincerity there. And he believed him.

And he didn’t pull away.

 


	5. Chapter 5

Chris couldn't breathe. His whole body felt clenched and tense, and he couldn't draw air into his lungs. He felt shaky...his insides felt shaky. He was going to pass out...was going to...  
  
"Chris...it's okay," Zach said softly. Chris shook his head no, couldn't even look up as tears filled his eyes. "Yes. It's just a panic attack. You can breathe. Take a breath." He placed a hand on Chris' shoulder, and could feel the tremors passing through his body. "We're just going to sit here until it passes. You're okay."  
  
Zach didn't ask, but he guessed that he was around 8 or 9. He'd seen Chris suffer through several anxiety attacks over the last few months worth of weekly sessions - almost always as they were about to move on to something new, as they were today. They sat quietly for a few minutes, and gradually Chris' gasping breaths evened out. He unclenched slightly as he calmed.   
  
"Sorry," he muttered, blushing as he wiped a hand over eyes, clearing his lashes of the tears.  
  
"Nothing to apologize for," Zach said. "Can you give me a number?"  
  
"Six or seven," he said tightly, keeping his eyes on his clenched hands. Zach was a little surprised that his number was still so high.  
  
"Open your hands, Chris. Take some slow breaths."  
  
"This isn't going to work," he muttered miserably, even as he did as Zach said, opening his hands and rubbing his sweaty palms on the bathrobe he wore. Zach squeezed his shoulder sympathetically.   
  
"I know it feels that way," Zach said. "But it always does, at the beginning of new things, doesn't it? Can you look at me?"  
  
Chris squeezed his eyes shut, and shook his head. He let out a long shuddering breath. "I - I feel like if I do I'm going to freak out again."  
  
Zach nodded. "I know, but so what if you do? We'll just wait until it passes. And it will, Chris. You've come so far...it wasn't too long ago that even sitting this close or touching you would cause panic. And look..." Zach let his hand rub down Chris' arm and took his hand. "You're okay."  
  
Chris glanced up at him, the sight of him also in a robe enough to spike his anxiety. But...Zach was right. It wasn't so bad this time. Chris looked up again, this time letting his eyes travel over more of him instead of just darting to his face.   
  
Zach sat quietly, giving Chris time to come to terms with this next phase of their time together. Zach smiled slightly and squeezed Chris' hand. He considered the situation, trying to gauge if they should push ahead or if they should stop. Generally, if the patient were up for it even at all, they pushed ahead.   
  
But this was an important phase, and he didn't want it to end up backfiring.  
  
Just as he was about to ask, Chris licked his lips nervously. "I think I'm okay," he said. "I'm still...nervous. But I'm okay." He took a deep breath. "So...w-what's next?"


End file.
